The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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