Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize