I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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