im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
