He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
