just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
