don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
