i already hear my dad disowning me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
