Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
