I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
