you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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