don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
