you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
