Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize