My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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