OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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