fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
