Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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