Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Someone signed my nipple.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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