You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
