Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
