I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
