i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
