Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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