a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
