textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize