listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
