I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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