Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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