making cat noises will not fix the situation.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
