So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
