Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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