So drunk its hurt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize