hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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