I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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