You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
