1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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