I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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