I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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