have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize