If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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