my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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