i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
