i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
