And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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