I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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