between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
