I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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