I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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