don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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