I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
