i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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