He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
