I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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