i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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