well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize