Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
