My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
