..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
