In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
