By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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