Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
