saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
