ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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