i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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